The thrill of the CHASE...

Warning: I am "on one" today, so read at your own risk!

I recently read an article written by a woman who was contemplating what she was "chasing" in life. At the end of the article she asked "What are you chasing?". That got me thinking about what it is I am chasing.

That is simple...

PERFECTION

The overwhelming desire to make everything, including myself, perfect.

For example:

If I am throwing a birthday party, I want the following:

• Darling hand-made invitations that match the theme and color scheme of the party. (Which would be determined months, if not years in advance)
• The party must have coordinating decorations, wrapping paper, food, cake, games, and prizes.
• All plates, cups, utensils and napkins must match (If someone even reaches for a non-matching paper towel to clean up a spill - there will be bloodshed, USE THE MATCHING NAPKINS).
• The house must be spotless (in order to adequately see the coordinating decor, etc)
• Everyone HAS to have a good time.
• My children must be well behaved. (Even if that means they will have to aquire mind reading powers in order to know what I expect of them in that moment)
• My hair, clothes and make-up must be perfect. (If my hair does not comply with my wishes, which tends to happen, I may have to sacrifice by throwing it in a messy bun and acting like I didn't try for the better part of an hour to make it look like I don't care..sigh)
• My husband must help, while friendly mingling with our guests and obeying my every command without question (and without making any wierd faces, which may or may not be intentional).

To top it all off, this must all be made to look effortless. When someone compliments the party, I must find something to downplay it, like "Oh thanks, I just feel bad we didn't offer Valet Parking, and you will notice the lack of Ice Sculptures..."

Did I mention this party was for a 2 year old who could not have CARED LESS, as long as there was cake?

After reading that, I think I conquer with the statement my husband so eloquently made after the festivities had concluded...

There may be something wrong with me.

So, how in the world is chasing perfection healthy? (Or sane for that matter) Bottom Line - It isn't.

It is the continued chase of perfection in my life that has led to let downs, frustration, resentment and self-loathing.

Who can be happy when they are often in a state of self-imposed dissapointment?
I find myself becoming angry at those people in my life who I think "halt" my progress toward perfection. I am resentful because I focus so much on the stuff I just can't do and I assume everyone else sees only those short-comings. I find that I try to get validation by magnifying my "accomplishments" or I do the reverse and "call myself out" regarding my imperfections, so that no one else has the chance. (I guess I take it better coming from me) And if, heaven forbid, someone (Jared) happens to point out something I did not do perfectly, even if it is a passing innocent comment??...May God have mercy on their (his) soul. (Poor Guy - you should pray for him) I usually lash out in some over-dramatic fashion, or let it completely tear me up inside.

So what is the cure for this obsession with perfection?

STOP. RIGHT. NOW.

Guess what? No one cares if you use Dixie paper plates at the Birthday Party. Your kids won't notice or care if you are wearing skinny jeans or sweats - but they certainly notice when you keep giving them the "I am going to tear your limbs off when everyone goes home" look, because they are not living up to your unrealistic expectations.

When I get all worked up over something like this, my mom always asks me "If you went to a... insert event... that someone else was having and everything didn't match perfectly would you care?" The truth is: NO probaby not! So why am I freaking out about it?

This is not to say that planning a BAD-A birthday party is wrong. There are just those people who are equipped to pull it off without causing WWIII. I can say with a high level of confidence that I am not one of those people.

There are so many examples where the intentions are GREAT. The unintended side effects - not so much. I want so bady to do everything for everyone that I end up dropping the ball in crucial areas of my life.

So I didn't make Cache and Cruz's Christmas Pajamas from recycled, organic cotton that I collected while feeding the homeless at a "Save The Rainforest" convention? Christmas came and went and we had a blast being together!

It is now time to change the chase...

I will be happy to be a WIFE, a MOTHER, a SISTER, a DAUGHTER, and a FRIEND. Even though I may not feel like I am good at any of them some days. That is okay!

I may not have the perfect body, house, car, or wardrobe, but I am blessed to have them at all.

I am committed to being proud of my accomplishments while acknowledging the things I need to work on, without feeling like a failure.

I will try and stop comparing myself to everyone around me who appear to have it all together. Everyone has their "stuff" to deal with in life.

I will do my best to seek opportunities to serve others within my capacity and with as much love as possible.

I will make those things that truly benefit my family and my interactions with them, a priority. I will try and resist the urge to involve myself in those worthy causes that sound crucial, but that sacrifice something far more important. (family, relationships, my budget or my sanity!)

So, does that mean that I must stop planning my boys' Birthday Extravaganzas? (which are creeping right up...in OCTOBER)

Not necessarily.
It just means that if it is going to make me a stressed out mess, regardless of how "cute" or "fun" it would be. It is okay to make (or buy) some cupcakes, slap on some frosting ( or just eat a spoonful of it), throw a candle in (or a match if you forgot to buy candles) and make sure my boys (big and little) have a mom/wife who shows them how much she loves them and how everything else is second...

Sounds Perfect...

Choices....

So lately I have been thinking a lot about choices.

How many times in a day do you make a choice? Probably hundreds, right? Little day to day choices about what to wear, what to eat, what cartoons to watch, how nicely to fold the laundry...the little things.

Growing up, my Dad constantly talked about choices. "You can make your choices, but you can't pick the consequences"...I heard this about a gazillion times.

In a lifetime people make millions of decisions that shape and mold their lives. Even when two people make the same decision the consequences can be drastically different.

There is the mom who walks away from her kids playing in the tub, not for more than a few moments. She walked down the hall to grab some clothes and noticed an unmade bed, and her baby boy almost lost his life. How do you find "normal" again?

There are the stupid teenagers who get in a fight and in the heat of the moment, take it too far. Several families forever changed.

And then there is the young man who for reasons that no one will probably ever understand, takes a gun to a grocery store and takes the lives of 6 innocent people and injures several more. What millions of choices led to him to that moment?

I am not offering any judgement or placing blame. That is not the point of this post. I have made so many stupid, negligent decisions in my life and luckily I have not been "caught" to badly by my own poor choices.

I have never pointed a gun at someone and pulled the trigger, but I have driven my car way too fast.

I have never beaten someone up (hard to believe, I know), but I have watched two boys beat the crap out of each other and stood by and laughed with my friends.

And I may never have had to look at my husband and tell him that my bad decision hurt our child, but I have gotten distracted. I have left them in the bath, the car, on the bed when they were little. They have run around the house with toothbrushes in their mouth and gotten lost at a football game - on my watch.

CHOICES...

It is time to re-focus.

It is not okay to stand by when I can intervene. It is not okay to let the little inconveniences or distractions stop me from doing what I know I should. It is not okay to neglect other people through the choices I make, because I get so tied up in my own "stuff" that I start to forget that the world doesn't revolve around my life.

Easier said than done?

Definitely. But, I am not sure I could live with the alternative.

The Little Things...

So now that I am no longer hallucinating that everything (including my children) are food items, I can finally get back to living life.


Here is a little food experiment update: Feeling pretty good! Cravings are way down from what they were before and although the thought of Ice Cream is not revolting AT ALL, I do think I can live without it for another 21 days. YAY!!


Enough about that. On to the next...

Over the next few weeks I want to start focusing on the "little" things that I do (or should do) every day that I either don't do, or I don't do them well. I have heard conflicting ideas that it takes anywhere from 21-30 days to form a habit. I intend to form some good habits surrounding the things that seem small but can have a significant impact.


Below is a list of the first 5 things I want to start doing better. (In no particular order). Once I have "mastered" these, I will pick 5 more.


Wear A Seatbelt.
I always make sure my kids are buckled in and safe, yet a lot of times I just jump in and off I go. According to the internet, which is always accurate and reliable, about 100 bzillion lives are saved by seatbelts everyday. (Okay maybe not that many, but you get the point) I really want to be around for the next 50+ years so this shouldn't be a big deal. Cache has promised to be my little helper and remind me to put on my seatbelt too! It is always nice to have that extra push...Get in. Get Buckled - words to live by!


Read To My Kids.
This is an opprtunity I miss FAR too often. Honestly, there is no downside, yet I find myself making excuses for not doing it. (Too busy, Too tired, No New Books, Biggest Loser is on, etc.) Reading to my kids would benefit both myself and the kids and best of all, it allows me to spend time with them. In my opinion, my kids are some of the funnest people to hang out with! Earlier this month, Cache set a goal to learn to read prior to starting kindergarten. I am not sure if I just thought he would pick that up on his own, or in my mind I was putting the responsibility on his pre-school teacher, but I need to STEP IT UP. So...at least one book everyday!

Gas Up The Car.
How many times have you jumped in the car and seen that you are almost out of gas and said "I can probably make it."? If you are like me, you even have little contests with yourself to see if empty really is EMPTY. Well, no more! First, it is better for the car to keep it at or above 1/4 of a tank. Google it if you don't believe me. Second it is better for my husbands sanity! Last week, we were in a fairly big hurry and we got in the car to head out...and WHOOPS! For about the 10th time the car literally had 1 mile until empty. I suppose I can see how that would be just a touch irritating - and it was totally my fault. (sometimes I have a hard time excepting blame, so that little confession was big for me!) So from now on I am not going to let the car get below 50 miles left. That is easy to track because it is right there on the console, so I have zero excuses.

Be On Time.
Easy to say...HARD to do! At least for me. I have an awful habit of constantly rushing. I absolutely SUCK at time management. This is maybe the cause of a lot of my other shortcomings. Here is a little story problem: If I know that I have to be somewhere by 5:00 and it is 30 minutes away - when should I leave the house? Logic would say - leave at or before 4:30. Somehow in my brain, that doesn't register! The problem is that I start preparing to leave about 10 minutes before I have to go. Who in the history of the world can pack two kids complete with all their "stuff", including diapers, wipes, sippys, blankies, movies, and anything they may possibly need for any possible scenario and get themselves dressed and organized to leave in 10 minutes??? That's right! No One! And yet here I am, still trying and failing to do the impossible. And you know what happens when I am running late? I turn into frickin MOM-ZILLA...How fair is that? My poor kids suffer for my poor planning. I find myself apologizing once we get in the car and drive away. Me: "Sorry Mommy got mad, it wasn't your guys' fault. We just needed to hurry" Cache:"It's okay Mom, you were just frush-rated" Cruz: "AAWWEE" (translation-"sorry"). I end up feeling about this big... So, I am going to be making a focused effort to prepare as much in advance as possible and give myself a lot of lead time. I hope my family is okay with me setting my clocks 3 days fast!

Pray.
This is another thing that is probably much more easy for some people. It should be easy for me, but I am embarassed to say, it isn't. Sure, we say our "grace" at dinner, and I say prayers with the kids at night, but I don't personally take the time to have a conversation with God. You would think that if you owe everything you are and everything you have to someone, it would be easy to call them up and say "Thanks". You would think that if you know you have a friend who loves you unconditionally, who wants only the best for you, is so proud of the things you do well, and shares your discouragment when you fail, you would want to talk to them all the time. A parent who sees the good in you when you don't see it in yourself. Whose heart aches for you because of the tough things you go through, even when they are your fault. The person who doesn't judge you and always has time. I know it is not a lack of effort on His part, only on mine. It is time to put in the effort, to be humble, grateful and willing to exercise some faith...

I read this today and thought it was very applicable:

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like a breakfast of eggs-and-ham.
The chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."

Time to be committed

Breaking up is hard to do...

This has been the one of the toughest breakups in history! (As stated in a previous post, I tend to lean to the dramatic side, so bear with me.)

It is day 5 and I miss MY food. My body feels sluggish and tired. I think about food constantly and my will power is at an all time low. Even looking at an egg makes me want to vomit. All the reasons I had for embarking on this first goal seem ridiculous. I have read and re-read my post, hoping to recapture the fire I felt on day one...no success.

In an effort to "make me stronger" (his exact words)My husband brought home In 'N' Out on Thursday night and Pizza on Saturday. The kids loved it and I told him he was lucky that I can't pass a polygraph about where I hid his body.

Even without the temptation, this has still been tough! I am just waiting for the return on investment...

I am not going to lie and say that I have energy and I am sleeping well and I can see a six pack and I PR'd my last workout and I never want to eat another "naughty" carb and all the other garbage that people say to make you think you want to "drink the koolaid"....I don't feel like that!

But tonight as I sat here trying to focus my thoughts and decide whether or not to throw in the towel, it HIT me...I may feel like crap (which I do) and I may feel so hungry that I am eating Walnuts (which I hate)...but I am NOT going out like that! I made a 30 day commitment to do this and despite all evidence to the contrary, this is NOT. GOING. TO. KILL. ME.

So I am renewing my pledge to stick this one out. I know that if I give in at this stage of the game, I will only be angry with myself and all the times that I have been strong this week would be wasted.

A very wise man once said "The distance between mediocrity and excellence can be ever so small." I intend, at least in this endeavor, to be excellent.

That being said, I am going to eat a hard boiled egg, drink a big glass of water and go to bed!

A journey of a thousand miles...

So maybe I am not a thousand miles away from where I want to be in this area, but based on the holidays, it sure feels like it.

To start, you should know that I have many great loves in my life. I am one of those people that says they love everything...I get the whole "then why don't you marry it?" comeback a lot in my family. I think that Jared counted once and in one conversation I said I loved roughly 4 million different things. (I also tend to exaggerate and be a touch over dramatic, but that will be covered in another post)

Well shoot, at least I don't hate everything, right?

Anyway, back to my LOVES. They all basically fall into one of 4 categories (and some fall into more than one).

Important/Can't live without: My Husband, Children, Family, God, Friends, etc....

Non-Essential but FUN: Books, Stilettos, Boots, Bags, Sunglasses, Sunshine, The Biggest Loser...

Essential but not always FUN: Crossfit, Running, Work, Early Church...

Non-essential rubbish that has done me NO GOOD: JUNK FOOD - If it contains carbs/sugar - I probably love it and would swear that it has changed my life.

I would like to focus on this last group for the duration of this post.

Keep in mind that you can do WHATEVER you would like as it relates to food (or anything else for that matter). I am not asking anyone to agree with me or change the way you live your life. If we hang out, I do not expect any special accomodations to be made for me, AT ALL. I just want to document how I plan to change my relationship with food over the course of the next year.

In the past I have had several rules about starting any kind of change to my eating habits. It must always start on a Monday, preferrably the first one of the month, under a new moon, and when saturn is properly aligned within my planets orbit....you get the picture. I have a hard time starting.

Even worse, I have a hard time sticking to it. I think that is because it has always been about weight loss. (That is not enough of a motivator against a chocolate shake from In 'N' Out - just sayin') This time I am trying to change my mindset and think of food as fuel for a body that needs to keep up with kids, work, workouts, family, hectic schedules, etc. Food is not/should not just there for when I am bored, or when I am tired, or when it is that time of the month, or when I am in a hurry. It shouldn't be the only thing that gets me and other people together. It is there to power and fuel the only body I got...

This is an experiment. As I often do, I may end up with my foot in my mouth. However, I would ask that for the next 30 days that you forgive me if I am a bit short tempered. I am hoping that I will be so excited about my new psyche that I won't miss Donuts, Pot stickers, or Ice Cream, but there are no guarantees. I would also ask that if you are with me and I attempt to eat something that is not good for me that you remind me of my goal. (I also ask that you slap me in the face so the message really sinks in - but I realize that many of you are non-violent)

Here is the link if you have any interest in what I am embarking on:
http://whole9life.com/2010/12/whole30-2011/
Below is an excerpt that I loved from Whole 9:

"Here comes the tough love. This is for those of you who are considering taking on this life-changing month, but aren’t sure you can actually pull it off, cheat free, for a full 30 days. This is for the people who have tried this before, but who “slipped” or “fell off the wagon” or “just HAD to eat (fill in food here) because of this (fill in event here)”. This is for you.

• It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Giving up heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. You won’t get any coddling, and you won’t get any sympathy for your “struggles”. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE not to complete the program as written. It’s only thirty days, and it’s for the most important cause on earth – the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime.


• Don’t even consider the possibility of a “slip”. Unless you physically tripped and your face landed in a box of donuts, there is no “slip”. You make a choice to eat something of poor quality. It is always a choice, so do not phrase it as if you had an accident. Commit to the program, 100%, for the full 30 days, and don’t give yourself an excuse to fail before you’ve even started.


• You never, ever, ever HAVE to eat anything you don’t want to eat. You’re all big boys and girls. Toughen up. Learn to say no (or make your Mom proud and say, “No, thank you”). Learn to stick up for yourself. Just because it’s your sister’s birthday, or your best friend’s wedding, or your company picnic does not mean you have to eat anything. It’s always a choice, and we would hope that you stopped succumbing to peer pressure in 7th grade.


• This does require a bit of effort. If you’re cutting out grains, legumes and dairy for the first time, you have to replace those calories with something. You have to make sure you’re eating enough, that your vitamins and nutrients are plentiful, that you’re getting enough protein, fat and carbohydrates. You’ll have to figure out what to eat for lunch, how to order at a restaurant and how often you’ll need to grocery shop. We’ve given you all the tools, guidelines and resources you’ll need, but take responsibility for your own plan. Improved health, fitness and performance doesn’t happen just because you’re now taking a pass on bread. "

See! Now doesn't that sound like fun?

In conclusion, if any of you have read this and feel like "Hey, maybe I am ready to try a new approach to food" Or you are thinking "Hey, I want to prove that Bethany is as stupid as she looks and this will never work" Please join me! Misery loves company, and my body may be feeling miserable here at first. I would also love to hear about the experiences you have had with this or any other "food relationship" adventure.

Keep in mind, I have never done this! I can't provide my testimonial that it will be the greatest thing ever. I think the success or failure of this whole process is up to me. Eventually it may have to be tweeked and molded to fit the lifestyle that I choose, but I hope at the end of this I will have learned to love and appreciate those foods that make me better...

Now this doesn't mean that in the future, I will never have another frozen custard from Neilsen's...what this should mean is that Frozen Custard is a choice I will consciously make. It will not be a necessity or an obligation that my body feels to itself. It is a rare treat that should be savored and had in EXTREME moderation (the folks at the drive up should not know my name and what I am going to order before I have said it...Yes it has happened, DONT JUDGE ME!)

Sooo, today is DAY 2 of the initial 30 day system shock! (I started on a Tuesday - just to prove I am changing my ways)

Wish me luck!

The Idea...

At the beginning of each year I always find myself wondering what will happen over the next 12 months. I am never dissapointed in the "didn't see that coming" category!

I mean look at 2010:
On January 12th the earth shook in Haiti, as my world was shaken with the loss of my sweet Grandpa. I got to see the resiliance of a tiny island nation that was reduced to rubble and of my tiny Grandma who lost her lifelong companion. Both had to press forward and rebuild. I learned about the courage of a child who was diagnosed with Cancer but whose smile and bald little head are a reminder of why we should all strive to "become as little children".

There were loads of happy moments too. I got a new niece and nephew, both of whom are darling and love me the most (Neither of them can talk yet, but I can sense it). In June, a blind guy with no legs was unavailable to participate in the 180 mile Ragnar relay race with my family, so apparently I was the only option and they invited me to fill in. It was a blast! I also completed a triathalon and there were still people at the finsh line when I got done. (Yes they were taking down tables and looked surprised to see me...I think one of them started sympathy clapping to make it less awkward...but I finished!)

Cruz pretended to be potty trained for about 6 hours and that was REALLY exciting. Cache learned the words to a Lady Gaga song, the one that says GAGA OOH LALA (you are singing it to yourself now huh?) and some song that talks about an "eeny meeny miny mo lover"...and we started listending to Radio Disney! On occasion he still asks to hear the "popscicle song". Oh to be young and innocent!

Jared and I got to go on a litte getaway and we LOVED it. (I was reminded why I said YES, and then called it off and eventually said "I do".) We went to Washington DC and were there the week that the new Healthcare Reform bill was voted on and passed. We walked around and talked to supporters and protestors - SO cool to see our political system in action - and how crazy a mob of fiery tea party folk can be! I got all teary eyed at several of the monuments and museums - then Jared would pretend not to know me. It was bliss!

So many unexpected twists and turns in just 12 short months. I am sure this year will not dissapoint. However, at the end of 2011 there is one thing that is inevitable...I will be turning 30. There I said it!

It is not something I am necessarily excited for, but dreading it does not make it any more avoidable. So instead of wasting time mourning the looming loss of my 20's, I have decided to use what I have learned so far, and expand that limited knowledge to make myself a better person on the other side of 30 than I am now. At the end of this year I hope to be a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Neighbor, Employee, and Citizen.

That is where the idea for The Dirty Thirty Project was born. I want to chronicle my QUEST. I want to be accountable to myself and those around me to stick to this self improvement project. I feel a need to document successes, failures, breakthroughs, dissapointments, etc. If that sounds friggin boring to you...stop reading! It won't be The Hunger Games okay...

When I look back at who I was 10 years ago, I can't help but laugh at everything I thought I knew. (Those of you who know me, can attest to the fact that I tend to think I know more than I do) However, I know a lot more now then I did then.

In the last 9 years I have done some STUFF! I traveled halfway around the world to "save orphans" and ended up being taught many amazing lessons myself. It is sad and interesting that it took going to Africa to learn that I am incredibly blessed to live in the United States, to have clean water and food, to have a roof over my head and parents who love me unconditionally. I got married to a guy who still makes me laugh and had two incredibly amazing children, and in the process discovered that the human soul can hold more LOVE than I ever thought possible. I have marveled at my siblings (that alone takes a lot of time - I have lots of them). The struggles that they have overcome and the incredible people they are turning out to be. I am inspired by every single one of them. I have been part of an amazing family that has had their share of tough times. I have seen how anger and selfishness can tear relationships apart and how forgiveness and love can heal them. I have made new friends who have blessed and enriched my life and lost touch with old ones who I will never forget. I have bought 3 cars, moved 4 times, bought a house, bought a fish (and then accidentally caused its' demise) changed jobs 6 times, spent money I didn't have and learned that a credit card is not magic. I also spent countless hours obsessing over make-believe vampires (you knew I could not talk about the last decade without a Twilight reference).

I feel like that was a pretty full agenda for my 20's. I have loved so much about these times. However, like any other human on the planet...I have my share of regrets. I can't help but wish I had been more patient, more kind, stood up for others and myself more often. I wish I had taken better care of my body, my savings account and my car. I should have talked to God more and myself less. I should have been worrying about my relationship with my husband instead of whether Jake or Jason or Molly or Jillian would get a rose. I could have eased burdens and I didn't. I could have been a peacemaker and I was a gossip. I could have played a game with my kids and I turned on Nick Jr. I could have called to check on a friend and instead I just checked their facebook status. Not some of my prouder moments.

So here's to a New Year. I have 12 months-ish to set various goals for all different aspects of my life. I will in no way be perfect by the end of this. I know that. I just want to be the "new and improved" version of myself, a little stronger, a little wiser, a little kinder, a little better...

Here goes nothin!