The thrill of the CHASE...

Warning: I am "on one" today, so read at your own risk!

I recently read an article written by a woman who was contemplating what she was "chasing" in life. At the end of the article she asked "What are you chasing?". That got me thinking about what it is I am chasing.

That is simple...

PERFECTION

The overwhelming desire to make everything, including myself, perfect.

For example:

If I am throwing a birthday party, I want the following:

• Darling hand-made invitations that match the theme and color scheme of the party. (Which would be determined months, if not years in advance)
• The party must have coordinating decorations, wrapping paper, food, cake, games, and prizes.
• All plates, cups, utensils and napkins must match (If someone even reaches for a non-matching paper towel to clean up a spill - there will be bloodshed, USE THE MATCHING NAPKINS).
• The house must be spotless (in order to adequately see the coordinating decor, etc)
• Everyone HAS to have a good time.
• My children must be well behaved. (Even if that means they will have to aquire mind reading powers in order to know what I expect of them in that moment)
• My hair, clothes and make-up must be perfect. (If my hair does not comply with my wishes, which tends to happen, I may have to sacrifice by throwing it in a messy bun and acting like I didn't try for the better part of an hour to make it look like I don't care..sigh)
• My husband must help, while friendly mingling with our guests and obeying my every command without question (and without making any wierd faces, which may or may not be intentional).

To top it all off, this must all be made to look effortless. When someone compliments the party, I must find something to downplay it, like "Oh thanks, I just feel bad we didn't offer Valet Parking, and you will notice the lack of Ice Sculptures..."

Did I mention this party was for a 2 year old who could not have CARED LESS, as long as there was cake?

After reading that, I think I conquer with the statement my husband so eloquently made after the festivities had concluded...

There may be something wrong with me.

So, how in the world is chasing perfection healthy? (Or sane for that matter) Bottom Line - It isn't.

It is the continued chase of perfection in my life that has led to let downs, frustration, resentment and self-loathing.

Who can be happy when they are often in a state of self-imposed dissapointment?
I find myself becoming angry at those people in my life who I think "halt" my progress toward perfection. I am resentful because I focus so much on the stuff I just can't do and I assume everyone else sees only those short-comings. I find that I try to get validation by magnifying my "accomplishments" or I do the reverse and "call myself out" regarding my imperfections, so that no one else has the chance. (I guess I take it better coming from me) And if, heaven forbid, someone (Jared) happens to point out something I did not do perfectly, even if it is a passing innocent comment??...May God have mercy on their (his) soul. (Poor Guy - you should pray for him) I usually lash out in some over-dramatic fashion, or let it completely tear me up inside.

So what is the cure for this obsession with perfection?

STOP. RIGHT. NOW.

Guess what? No one cares if you use Dixie paper plates at the Birthday Party. Your kids won't notice or care if you are wearing skinny jeans or sweats - but they certainly notice when you keep giving them the "I am going to tear your limbs off when everyone goes home" look, because they are not living up to your unrealistic expectations.

When I get all worked up over something like this, my mom always asks me "If you went to a... insert event... that someone else was having and everything didn't match perfectly would you care?" The truth is: NO probaby not! So why am I freaking out about it?

This is not to say that planning a BAD-A birthday party is wrong. There are just those people who are equipped to pull it off without causing WWIII. I can say with a high level of confidence that I am not one of those people.

There are so many examples where the intentions are GREAT. The unintended side effects - not so much. I want so bady to do everything for everyone that I end up dropping the ball in crucial areas of my life.

So I didn't make Cache and Cruz's Christmas Pajamas from recycled, organic cotton that I collected while feeding the homeless at a "Save The Rainforest" convention? Christmas came and went and we had a blast being together!

It is now time to change the chase...

I will be happy to be a WIFE, a MOTHER, a SISTER, a DAUGHTER, and a FRIEND. Even though I may not feel like I am good at any of them some days. That is okay!

I may not have the perfect body, house, car, or wardrobe, but I am blessed to have them at all.

I am committed to being proud of my accomplishments while acknowledging the things I need to work on, without feeling like a failure.

I will try and stop comparing myself to everyone around me who appear to have it all together. Everyone has their "stuff" to deal with in life.

I will do my best to seek opportunities to serve others within my capacity and with as much love as possible.

I will make those things that truly benefit my family and my interactions with them, a priority. I will try and resist the urge to involve myself in those worthy causes that sound crucial, but that sacrifice something far more important. (family, relationships, my budget or my sanity!)

So, does that mean that I must stop planning my boys' Birthday Extravaganzas? (which are creeping right up...in OCTOBER)

Not necessarily.
It just means that if it is going to make me a stressed out mess, regardless of how "cute" or "fun" it would be. It is okay to make (or buy) some cupcakes, slap on some frosting ( or just eat a spoonful of it), throw a candle in (or a match if you forgot to buy candles) and make sure my boys (big and little) have a mom/wife who shows them how much she loves them and how everything else is second...

Sounds Perfect...